The blog of a Dutch Atheist fed up with all the religious hatred

The blog of a Dutch Atheist fed up with all the religious hatred
The blog of a pissed off Dutch Atheist fed up with all the religious hatred, racism and the suffering it causes in the world

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Dream child, the little boy that never was born..

Holland, one day in 2004 all the names and places are real..
The one I am telling this to is my girlfriend Maria Rivera, from Mexico and the love of my life.. 


It is night , I suddenly wake up because you are shaking me..
I am confused, what are you doing here, oh yes it is all coming back to me now..
You say to me, "it is time"
I think "time for what" I am still in the process of waking up from a heavy sleep, oh yes the baby is coming, but now ? the doctor said it could still be three or four days away...I turn around and see your face a moment all in pain and when it looks like the pain is going , you say "I know, it is coming."
Suddenly I am all awake, we have everything ready, you have to go the the hospital because the doctor thinks it is better because of the damage the Mexican doctors did to you when your son Fernando was born.. "yes that is it" I help you up from the bed and down the stairs..
The noise must have woken my son Sjouke because I see light from under his door, the other room is still dark..
Downstairs I help you sit down in the chair so I can get the stuff we prepared..
I look at your face and you are so stunningly beautiful, between the pain of the contractions you really radiate happiness .. It is finally going to happen...
In matter of minutes I am dressed and the sport bag with clothes and stuff is standing beside me..
"Let's go" you say and I help you to get on your feet, it must be very hard to get up without pain.. Outside the light of the first sun is glowing at the horizon when I help you in the car, I run back to the house to get the bag and see Sjouke and Fernando standing there, Sjouke gives me the bag and says "good luck" they both wave and I am back to the car.. The good old Volvo starts right away..
I see lights going on in all the houses around us, Jetze the neighbor across the street is standing in the door waving "good luck"

There is not much trafic on the road, and Oh shit I realize I forgot to call the doctor, lucky I did not forget my cellphone and call him right away..
"Leemhuis" says the phone in my ear , our doctor always sounds calm and friendly, he says he will warn the hospital right away and everything will be ready when we arrive..  Really almost no traffic on our lane to the city of  Sneek and the st Anthony hospital..
I hear you making a sound of pain beside me , I take your left hand im my right hand and say "squeeze my hand when you feel pain, maybe it helps"
It is alright , the contraction is gone and you look relieved..
The door of the hospital is open and two nurses are already waiting with a wheelchair we
rush in through  the empty hall and in the ready elevator to bring us to the floor of the delivery room..
Oh shit, my car is still outside in front of the door, I tell it to the nurse .. she remains calm and asks me for the keys, so she can find someone to park it for me..
The maternity ward is empty like it is all prepared for us, and they bring us to a small room where we can wait for the doctor to check up on you..
The nurse straps a thing to your belly and suddenly we can hear the baby's heart , wow it is beating so fast, but I remember from Sjouke's birth that his is normal..
I sit down next to your bed and take your hand and I look at your face, you smile at me, and say"don't be so nervous Dirrik "just like you always pronounce Dirk, my name , "I will be fine"..
Oh my god you are so beautiful, being pregnant of our baby made with love makes you radiate..
If there are angels , this is how they must look, flashes through my mind ..
A new contraction, you really squeeze my hand real hard.. I see the pain in your face, but then it is gone and your face relaxes.. The doctor walks in, still in his normal clothes, he shakes our hands and asks the nurses about the situation..
He tells us: "everything is fine, I will go change and will be right back" and he leaves the room.. It is realy hot in here, and I want to open the door to let some heat out.. you stop me and look at me with a face, "no Dirrik let the nurses do their work" , funny It is only a few weeks ago that I sarted to understand the hints you are sending me, you are so patient with me..
The nurse comes in with fruit juice and pillows, the contractions are coming faster now and they really hurt you, I can see and feel it..
Finally the doctor comes back and says, it looks like it is time to let the baby come..
The nurses drive the bed out of the room in to the delivery room across the corridor..
I see all kinds of children's drawings on the wall , all behind glass, and the doctor see me looking at them, he smiles "these are all made by children born in this delivery room"
The nurse offers me a chair next to the special delivery bed you are on now..
The contractions are really quick and we are both huffing and puffing like crazy ..
It does not work at all, I see that you are very much in pain... I grab your hand and right away you squeeze it very hard, and you cannot hold a little scream of pain anymore..
The doctor says "I can see the head, push now !" you push very hard, and squeeze my hand very hard now..
"Everything is going alright, push" and suddenly the doctor holds a baby in his hand "it is a little boy"
Oh my god, the baby is so beautiful, a head with lots of dark hair and he slowly opens his eyes..
The nurse gently puts him on a towel and lays him down on your stomach, you look terrible, all covered with sweat, but so happy, I will never forget this face ...
The doctor leaves a few minutes to enjoy our little angel.. It is such a beautiful boy with dark brown eyes, dark hair.. even tho the little face is still a little wrinkled I see he looks a lot like you.. and it looks like he really sees us.. because he opens
his mouth and vents a little sigh ..
The doctor is back with clamps he puts on the umbilical cord , "do you want to cut it?" he asks me and offers me the scissors
With almost no resistance the cord is cut and the baby is on his own in the world now, I look at you and we both start crying of happiness, what a beautiful sweet an innocent boy ...
The nurse is standing behind me and tells me she needs the baby for the first tests..
You smile at me and I stand up from my chair to let the nurse take the baby, she takes him to the scale and I follow her..
From the scale the baby looks at me, I say "welcome to the world little fella"

Suddenly I am drawn away from you the baby and the delivery room by this awful sound  tiiiiiit tiiiiiit tiiiiit !
It is my alarm clock now I am wide awake, it was a dream, but it was so real..
I am alone in my bed, you are not here, and where is the baby.. oh shit it was a dream, only a dream...
I sit up right and start crying..
It feels good and I am returning to reality..
Man this was heavy, and so real..

I am going to miss you little fella, even tho you only existed for a moment in my dream ...

Supplement :

When I told her this story, Maria cried she was so emotionally moved  and she wanted to name this dream child, and so we did, Amado a child from pure love, who only lived for a moment in my dream..
This dream was so intense that even today 9 years later I still have the feeling that I lost a son at childbirth...

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